Help, I am having a fart attack

She wasn't just any party girl from San Diego breaking down the bathroom door to unload the Paradise buffet and the remnants of the air traffic controller into a small island in the toilet while I showered.  The cadence of bad decisions had soiled the subtle innocent glimmer in her listless eye but there was an unmistakable yearning for something more than a Denny's grand-slam in an alleyway (euphemism?).  Something more unsullied than Roe v. Wade but less unsullied than the Bridges of Madison County.    I warmed my face from the heat radiating from the friction generated as I motor-boated my way to happiness knowing the five dollars, binger, and slice of pizza would not go to waste.  I kept trying to think about baseball as the belt I was wearing wasn't as efficient the one in high school.

I knew love wasn't going to be as difficult as the "Lord of the Rings", but that it wasn't going to be as easy as "Cop and a Half"......I also learned that Leather pants are a firm reminder that penial fracture can be brought about by more than just a rusty trombone...but that's just not a word that we use as time has gone on. Things have changed since the '60s in the south. And my children and my brother object to that word being used in any cruel or mean behavior.

 

Live free or fart hard

 I had enough foresight to know there was going be no guarantee my shirt wasn't going to come off.  

‘I’ve got this enema kit upstairs. It cleans all the poison and shit out of you. It’s better than a colonic. I’ll hook you up if you want. An hour later you’re done. Clean as a whistle’ he said before hopping on his ATV.  

I took it in a weird way, like he was disrespecting my child. And they were, man.  It left me shaken and disturbed, and all the questions kept coming up over and over again, like bubbles in a case of club soda. Who was this character in the bus station? And why was he trying to eat chicken chips? And for whom? Did Jesus lie to me? I didn't have any proof, but somehow, I didn't entirely trust him either. Why was my lawn not mowed? And if it was, did he know about it? And if he didn't, who did? And where the hell was I? 

It's good to be the king.